Children In Immigrant Detention Facilities Indignant About The Idea That They Lack The Mental Capacity To Appreciate The Onion's Satire About Their Situation

Said the children's 7-year-old spokesperson, through a translator, "Our parents brought us to the United States because the innovations begun here during the Obama years haven't reached Latin America on the scale that might be expected.  Everyone needs to stop treating us like we're babies.  If President Obama thought we were old enough for sex, and the world's power structure, particularly the nonsatirical media, spent most of his years in office trying to have stupid terms such as 'child molestation,' 'child rape,' 'child exploitation,' 'lewd and lascivious conduct with a child,' and 'statutory rape' abolished not only from the language that describes crimes but also from being conceptualized as if the acts those terms convey are criminal or morally wrong, then we can damn well take a joke or two from the Onion.  Everyone thinks that we haven't been talking to our parents while we're in captivity, but we totally are.  Our parents want to know why they're not being filmed using the toilets like all of those people in the Boston area.  Our ACLU contacts are working on that, even while I'm issuing this statement.  It's disgraceful that illegal immigrants in detention aren't being given the same rights as U.S. citizens such as homeless people, psychiatric patients, grandmothers who are members of the Boston Chinatown YMCA, residents of affordable housing, and everyone else who's being intimately filmed without his or her knowledge or consent. Nobody's even scripting coded ads, media stories, songs, movies, television shows or anything else humorously insisting that we're asking for it.  Who do you have to be to be respected around here, Lena Kochman?"